The value and existence of turn signals

Without question, the most annoying, frustrating, nerve racking part of my life is driving my car. I have the grey hair to prove it. The staggering amount of horrible drivers on the road can make a peaceful Sunday drive through the country seem like a mission in Grand Theft Auto.

They'll give a license to anyone. Old people that drive too slow. Young kids who drive too fast. All you have to do is take a silly exam that asks you recognize what a stop sign looks like and your road ready. Proceed to the road test. If you're able to operate a car in a 15 foot area, where the only damagable objects are orange barrels and a few rusty shopping carts, you are ready to hit the highway, where the only damagable objects are telephone poles and my spinal cord.

The first thing my dad told me when teaching me to drive was to use my turn signal. Nothing pissed him off more and, in turn, nothing pisses me off more. Maybe the least difficult thing you can do, simply extend a finger and flick the lever. A simple hint for the guy coming up behind you. It says, "Hey I'm making a right here, don't try to swing around or you'll broadside me!" But so few people actually use them, you end up playing the guessing game. If you think i'm letting you out without signaling you are mistaken.

It's not just car drivers you have to worry about; bike riders can cause all sorts of trouble as well. Whether it's the Lance Armstrong wannabe or the extra from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome on the chopper, they seem to think they own the road. And that's the trouble, they really do. Because they know you wouldn't dare get near them for fear of launching them off their bike like a botched Evel Knievel stunt. So the bicycler will ride on the road even when there's 6 feet of shoulder and Easy Rider will tail the corner of your bumper until it opens up enough that they can pass you on either side of the road or in extreme cases, the sidewalk.

There are several other minor things that can make my blood boil. Taking too long to make a turn. People who haven't learned how to merge onto the highway. Calculating your chances of beating a train because you're late for work. School buses.

It shouldn't be this bad; it takes effort to be a bad driver. Use your turn signal. Don't tailgate. Know the right of way. And let me know if you ever see a lady aware of her surroundings when she backs out of her spot at the Silver Spring Turkey Hill. That's on my Bucket List.

Weekend Update

-I was "recruited" by College Boy to play in a "home run derby" for breast cancer awareness at Clipper Magazine Stadium, the home of the Barnstormers. And boy was I bad. I scored the lowest on our team and I only noticed one guy who ranked lower than me. I probably should engage in a little more physical activity because I was gassed after about 7 swings. I wrenched by back pretty good by swinging as hard as I could. I also tore up my left hand from gripping the bar so hard. It was tough waiting for the pitching machine because I had trouble judging when the ball would come out. So I would see the guy drop the ball and half cock my swing before the ball came to me and had half swing behind the hit. I did get a few nice shots into left field but my prospects of ever being a professional baseball player were answered with a resounding no. Unless the pitcher would manage to hit me, walk me, or hang a knuckleball every at bat.

-Later Saturday night we went back and watched the Barnstormers play the Newark Bears. If the quality of baseball is a little suspect, they make up for it with a nice stadium. They were running a promotion where if former MLBer Ruben Mateo would strike out a bunch of people would win a frosty. I guess they knew what they were doing when they selected him. The first time he was up the fans started chanting FROS-TY and he responded by hitting a towering home run to left field. He added a double and another home run later in the game to send everyone home with no ice cream. I also continued my streak of never having a foul ball landing anywere close to me section. I'd let you know if the Barnstormers won or not, but we left in the 8th inning.

-I got to watch WALL-E Saturday as well. It's been a long time since i've seen a movie that good. I thought it might be a children's movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. It follows WALL-E in the distant future as he is left to clean up trash in an abandoned Earth. The humans have left Earth to live on a giant spaceship where comfort has become key. They are no longer dependent on themselves and rely on robots to every daily task for them, kind of becoming mindless drones. He meets, and falls in love with another robot named EVE, who is sent to Earth to find any signs of sustainable life. One thing leads to another and WALL-E follows EVE back to the spaceship and in the process teaches humans how to be human again. Kind of a robot Love Story.

And if that wasn't good enough, The Wizard of Oz is on TNT. Good times.

Beer and Other Hazards of Going Out to the Bar

I once heard a phrase that has stuck with me through the years. "Nothing good happens when you go out." I'm not sure where I picked it up; it may have been from the old wrestler Stan Hansen, it very well could have come from my mother. I have spent way too many of my formative years inside of a bar, so I might classify myself as some sort of expert on wasting one's life. In the last 7+ years I have realized certain things.

Like the quote says, nothing good happens when you go to the bar. All you are going to do is spend money that would be better spent elsewhere. It may seem like a blast at the time, but never are you going to wake up the next morning, feeling like there is a pick axe in your skull, thinking that was really worth spending $50. When I first turned 21, I would cash my paycheck on Friday afternoon and then shortly thereafter adjorn to Emerson's Pub with College Boy. I knew how exactly much money I could spend and still pay my bills. Despite being armed with this knowledge, before I knew it (around 1:22AM) I would be pulling out that next twenty that was part of the car payment to buy the next round of Rolling Rocks. I would put bills off for the next week(s) just to have another bottle of irresponsibility. Surely everyone has made that pledge, "I'll just have 2 or 3 and call it a night." But once the music hits, a fight breaks out, or someone quizzes you on the greatest quarterback of all time (it's Tom Brady and for the love of Christ I will not argue this), it all goes out the window. The booze hits and you realize that it's either hang out or go home and look at internet porn.

Going out to the bar with the people you work with is one of the bigger mistakes you can make. The problems you will run into are limitless. Someone is going to get drunk and rip into a coworker even though it's a lock that it will get back to them the very next work day. Two slammed coworkers, who under any other circumstances would never look at each other, are going to hook up. Someone is going to leave early and not pay their share of the tab. No one seems to realize that they all have to work within the same four walls. The following Monday those people are going to be embarrassed, pissed off, or worse, pregnant. Whatever the case, alot of people are going to be walking around with their heads down.

The very idea of picking up a girl at a bar is just plain nonsense. Maybe I am jaded because I hang out in bars in Lancaster County, but the pickings are slim. If you talk to a girl at the bar she most likely will fall into 3 categories: She wants either a cigarette or a drink; she's already drunk out of her mind; or she has a boyfriend and is oblivious to the notion that she might be leading a guy on. I've seen it happen a million times. Buying a drink for a girl is about one of the dumbest things you can ever do as a guy. It's never been proven to work. She'll take it, and alot more if you are willing but don't expect a phone number in return. You can read more about this type of behavior on page 947 of the book All Women, Until Proven Otherwise, Should be Considered Crazy at All Times. Granted, all men know these things, but once again as soon as the music hits and you get a few in you, all men become a little crazy as well. If you're lucky you will just run into a guy who is there to have a good time and not cause a ruckus. But odds are you won't run into many of them. The rest fall into 3 categories as well: The guy who drinks entirely too much and becomes a threat to fall into you, spill a drink on you or throw up on you; The guy who becomes Hulk Hogan after 12 beers and is a threat to punch your lights out based just on your favorite sports team ; or the guy who hits on your girlfriend when you are in the bathroom. Leaving your girlfriend alone in a bar is one of the dumbest things you can do as a guy. Basically if a guy walks into a bar with a hot girlfriend and is wearing a Tom Brady jersey he has become the biggest target in the room.

With these factors in mind, not to mention the various effects of receiving a DUI, it's a wonder anyone goes out to the bar. Sitting at home on a Saturday night watching 48 Hours Mystery might seem a little boring, but there's virtually no chance that someone is going to stop by your house, kiss your girlfriend, punch you in the face, and steal 40$ from your wallet all because you are a Patriots fan. On second thought, if you have any more questions i'll be at the Trio--I'm pretty sure College Boy knows where I live.